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My Game Review

June 29, 2010

When I can’t sleep, I game. Since my 360 Red Ring’d, as is the case with about every fucking 360, I have reverted to my Game Cube. And right now I feel like this guy in the face of some real existential issues. WHY?!

There are days I feel like screaming “Why?” often enough, and I wish I could stand at the doors of Eaton’s and scream with him! The hilarious video was removed so I’ve replaced it with a video of a Dollar Store employee questioning her surroundings. It’s not nearly as funny and really quite sad. Just about everyone has held a meaningless customer service job. I will never miss those days at Sears, especially during the Xmas Holidays!

I’m not going to give Crystal Chronicles a quantitative review because that’s as bad as summing up a good book with 3.5 or 5 out of 5 stars. I want to know if that good book really sucks. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I haven’t slept in 24 hours.

Crystal Chronicles has some goofy looking characters that live in a world where the atmosphere can kill your species of inhabitants, leading me to believe they either destroyed their environment or they are aliens. The atmosphere is composed of miasma, and the only way to keep the miasma at bay is with a giagantic-big-ass crystal in the centre of town. This big-ass crystal has to be replenished with ancient tree sap by someone, you, every year. When you return to your village everyone has an orgy and does back flips and plays shitty music. And then they send you at again.

No, really that’s what happens.

There is also a moogle that carries your crystal chalice, AKA The Crystal Pimp Cup, so you are free to harass the denizens of the planet who have no trouble living in the harsh atmosphere. You can kill them with magic or with weapons, and when they perish they leave goodies. Goodies are always the main driving point of all RPGs.

Collecting things appeal to the inner capitalist in all of us, and RPG/dungeon crawler designers know this. GAMERS LOVE GOODIES. This game is also a dungeon crawler. Most of the time is spent hunting goblins, looting their homes, and then tapping some ancient tree sap.

I felt a little sorry for my character and her family (I chose to make my protagonist female) because of their precarious existence. Every year could be their last, and they live to murder every other living thing around them except for the deplorable moogles — that seem to be flying, talking cats that walk on two legs.

I got sucked into playing it for 5 hours straight through the night because of the dungeon crawling, goody collecting, and deplorable cuteness.

So, is it worth your time?

No.

If you can’t sleep read a book or some old Calvin and Hobbes comics laying around. I’m glad my 360 red ring’d because after gaming for over 20 years nothing is new or fun. And even if you have two wands in your hands and you’re flailing around like a victim in Jaws, the game is still the same. It’s either hacking and slashing through dungeons or shooting people in the face. I want to play through the Brother’s Karamozov.

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