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Go Big Or Go Home

December 30, 2010

When someone asks me what I do for a living I tell them I’m a maverick. Now fuck off. That’s no way to start a blog, or end a conversation with social climbers, so let me explain.

In an older post titled “I want to eat hot dogs and smash things,” I blogged about former hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi. Sport eating fascinates me. And now I’ve found something even more fascinating, gaining.

Eating to gain muscle is one thing. It’s something I’ve done in the past since weight lifting is a hobby of mine. It’s interesting to see the physical changes one can make to their body. But I realized the 6,000 calories a day and 80 grams of protein a day weren’t really conducive to being healthy; especially since most of my “job” revolves around being sedentary, if I’m not in the gym I’m at a computer or reading. It’s also expensive.

Gaining is fascinating because it requires an absurd amount of food and appreciates girth as a beautiful aesthetic.  I came across a story while finishing my second pint at my favourite bar. (It’s my favourite bar because it’s just dark enough, I can read with a pint at the end of the bar without feeling out of place, and the waitress is hot.) That being said, I found a story in The Star about Donna Simpson.

She is my holiday hero. She found what she loves, she doesn’t care what people have to say about it, and she makes a living doing it.

In case you’re wondering how Donna Simpson pays for her prodigious amount of groceries, she is essentially fat for a living, making paid public appearances and charging visitors to her website to watch her eat, which she can evidently be seen doing almost any time of day. “I love eating and people love watching me eat,” Simpson insists cheerily. (30,000-Calorie Christmas Feasts)

Donna Simpson enjoyed a 30,000 calorie Christmas dinner. I don’t even know if you can enjoy a dinner of those proportions, but here’s a list of that “dinner.”

The massive feast consisted of two 25-pound turkeys, two maple-glazed hams, 15 pounds of potatoes, five loaves of bread, five pounds of herb stuffing, four pints of gravy, four pints of cranberry dressing, and 20 pounds of vegetables.

Simpson also had room for dessert as she consumed a sugary “salad” made of marshmallow, cream cheese, whipped cream and cookies. I kind of puked a little there just reading it. The meal cost $230.

Apparently, her website pays for it all. You can check it out at

Holiday Hero, Donna Simpson.

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