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Is There a Doctor in the House?

February 15, 2011

With the flu for a week, and laying mostly prostrate on the couch, I was left with plenty of time to consider things. Daytime television is horrible. It’s almost worse than the flu. Its only redeeming factor is that I can turn it off, but turning it off is almost impossible because it has a weird hypnotic hold on me. So, instead of fighting it, I gorged on day time television and realized Dr. Phil is a lot more fun to watch than Dr. Oz. But how do I get you to believe me?

Doctor Phil Versus Doctor OZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!










A no-holds barred fight to the finish is the only way to logically end this debate.

What witch doctor powers do Dr. Phil bring?

  1. Physically, Doc Phil looks imposing, but he’s old.  Born on September 1, 1950, he’s 61 years old. That probably doesn’t make him the spriest of the two. Yet, at 6’4 and 240 pounds, he might win an arm wrestling match against The Oz.
  2. What about that education? Psycho Phil received his B.A. in psychology from Midwestern State University in 1975. His M.A. in experimental psychology followed in 1976. And in 1979 he received his Ph.D. from the University of North Texas with a dual area of emphasis in clinical and behavioral medicine. His Dissertation was entitled Rheumatoid Arthritis: A Psychological Intervention. His original dissertation on curing male pattern baldness through brass tacks advice was abandoned at the behest of his crown. He is a real doctor after all.
  3. Is he really legally allowed to give advice? Sure! Advice is like assholes. Everyone has one. He retired from psychology in 2006 to dole out entertainment. He probably can’t prescribe you Percocet or Valium but he can tell you that cheating on your spouse makes you a douche bag on national television. And therein lies his power.
  4. Oprah says he’s alright and so should you. Oprah’s well known for her omnipotent powers of judgement and even Rudolph Otto described Oprah’s infallibility by simply stating mysterium, tremendum, et fascinans. Since her first incarnation as Cleopatra, thousands of years ago, Oprah has reinvented herself time and time again (much like Madonna), and she continues to strike fear and admiration into her peons. She met The Philster, as he prefers to be called, in 1995. His “get real” approach saved her from flying to the Galapagos islands and eating every last sea  turtle, her favourite delicacy. They have been BFFs ever since.
  5. His website says: Dr. Phil uses his “get real” approach to help guests solve their problems by stripping away their emotional clutter, and providing them with the tools they need to move confidently ahead in their lives. Dr. Phil also champions those who suffer from such silent epidemics as domestic violence, child abuse, depression, racism, substance abuse and other health issues that are prevalent in society (including stupidity).
  6. He’s an author of 13 books.
  7. According to television ratings last week in America Dr. Phil beat Dr. Oz by scoring 2.7 to Dr. Oz’s 2.6. It’s almost negligible.
  8. According to Celebrity Net Worth, The Philster is worth 150 million USD. That’s a lot of cabbage.
  9. More than 860 episodes have aired since his debut in 2002. But he has a shitty time slot at 3 PM. You gotta TIVO that shit if you want to watch it.
  10. He saved Britney Spears (kind of) and he saved that homeless guy with a “golden voice.”

What witch doctor powers do Dr. Oz bring?

  1. Mehmet Cengiz Oz was born on June 11, 1960, making him 51. He’s also the size of Dr. Phil’s dinner.
  2. What about his education? He received his undergraduate from Harvard in 1982. He received a joint M.D. and M.B.A. from University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and The Wharton School.
  3. The guy is so smart that he was the inspiration for Buckaroo Banzai. Between replacing hearts and fighting creatures from the 8th Dimension he plays a mean guitar. Ok, that’s not all true but his website states: He directs the Cardiovascular Institute and Complementary Medicine Program at New York Presbyterian Hospital. His research interests include heart replacement surgery, minimally invasive cardiac surgery, complementary medicine and health care policy.  He has authored over 400 original publications, book chapters, and medical books, has received several patents, and performs more than 100 heart surgeries per year.
  4. He likes vaginae, and so should you. The first episode I ever saw was all about vaginas. I will never look at vajajays the same way again.
  5. Oprah says he’s the man, too. He appeared as a health expert on Oprah for five seasons. He didn’t save Oprah though. But he is a chief medical consultant to Discovery Communications’ show “Transplant!”, which won both a Freddie and a Silver Telly award.
  6. Dude looks like an elf. While I’m aiming below the belt it should be noted that The Philster looks like Shrek. I’m not sure either comparison is a bad thing.
  7. He’s authored six New York Times Best Sellers. He’s no Author Phil.
  8. He’s worth 7 million USD. That seems bogus to me but, whatever, the internets don’t lie. It’s the figure from celebrity net worth.
  9. His first show aired September 14, 2009. He doesn’t have the momentum of Doc Phil.
  10. He hasn’t saved anyone famous yet, but he’s saved a whole lot other people.

In Conclusion

Television is about entertainment. Dr. Phil is just more entertaining. I doubt I’m in the demographic that either of their marketing teams is aiming for. Especially since Dr. Oz’s audience is full of screaming Oprah rejects.

The format of Dr. Phil’s show is easier to digest. Dr. Oz jumps all over topics and changes his outfits constantly. I think he’s got some kind of compulsive disorder, and I’m sure Dr. Phil can help him out.

They are both obsessed with obesity. They both have penned diet books. I’d probably listen to the skinny surgeon’s eating advice over the rotund psychologist’s, though.

The Oz hasn’t been on television long enough to be caught up in an imbroglio. Dr. Phil, on the other hand, loves law suits. The Philster has had his share of trouble in court, but he’s rich. The Oz has managed not to walk into a celebrity treatment centre and tell the world they need to cut that shit out. I suggest he start fame whoring with Charlie Sheen. What’s wrong with that guy, anyway?

There you have it, more or less. Dr. Phil entertains me. I don’t care about getting old, fat, and nasty and how my vagina isn’t working like it used to. I want people with mental issues being told shit we all know. Or even better: there’s that Dr. Phil episode where he gets a bunch of teen girls in a room so that they’ll all gang up on the “nerdy” one. Then they all cry about it on stage. THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT.

Also, Taco Bell is Soylent Green people!

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Rowan permalink
    February 15, 2011 7:09 pm

    I love the Oprah picture. It makes me think of McCain though for some reason. Prolly this photo:

    Really can’t explain why.
    I think I like Oz more than Phil, but I don’t get to watch tv ;______;

  2. Ross Coe permalink
    February 24, 2011 3:41 am

    Did you have your “flu” lab tested? You probably had a flu-like virus. Inapproprite use of the word flu is so rampant. It influences people to risk their health getting mercury and aluminum containing flu vaccines that may cause paralysis, chronic fatique syndrome or not even protect them from the flu.

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